Do This One Thing and Lose All of Your Ballroom Dancing Street Cred
After months of lessons, and the courage to step outside your comfort zone... it could all disappear.
What was once your new identity as a dancer, the new chapter in your autobiography, it can just as easily be vaporized by a single move:
Saying no.
As much as this might seem like a not-so-clever way of encouraging you to try every last weird thing your teacher is suggesting, that's not the point of this article. There's a "No" that's far worse.
It's the "No" you say to your most important audience.
Why You Can't Go M.I.A. with your M.I.A.
Your Most Important Audience ("M.I.A.") is made up of the people who know you most for your life before dancing. These can be friends, family, romantic interests, co-workers, or every wedding reception guest that saw you nosedive the last time you had a clear spot on the dance floor.
They are the people you want to impress. The public that have seen you as the dancing pauper, and you're taking lessons to move up in ye olde dancing feudal system.
There will come a point when they hear of your lessons. They will be excited, curious, and interested to see your development. They will ask to see you dance, and if you go Missing In Action ("M.I.A."), their enthusiastic curiosity will turn into something ugly:
Skepticism.
Your Hobby and the Tabloids
This isn't skepticism of your actual dance ability. This is skepticism of the whole move in general. Think of it like this, what do Hollywood Marriages and Diet Trends have in common?
"That'll never last."
Yes, your courageous move to do something about your social life, your confidence, and your dance skills will fall into the same believability category as things you'd read on the cover of checkout stand tabloids.
All because you turned down a simple dance request.
Perspective on Why This Request Matters
Let's say that your nephew gets accepted into a prestigious culinary school. What would you expect him to do at your next Thanksgiving dinner?
To cook.
Now let's say that your niece has been taking singing lessons, and you happen to have a post-Thanksgiving Karaoke tradition in your family. What would you expect from this, now, classically trained singer?
To sing.
So, believe it or not, you are now the resident ballroom dancer in the family. The only one brave enough to take the time to investigate, walk in, and dance out. What do you think they are expecting you to do?
To dance.
[Unrealistic/Safe/Great] Expectations
Being asked to dance in public is like being asked to do anything else in public - it can be scary. So let's get real about what your "M.I.A." is expecting from you. There are three types of expectations: Unrealistic, Safe, and Great.
Let's look deeper into how each play a part in this dance request.
Unrealistic Expectations: Snake Charmer
In the fantastic book, "Creative Confidence" by Tom and David Kelly, the authors interviewed and studied the work of Stanford Professor Dr. Albert Bandura, who, through a series of exercises and conversations has repeatedly helped people with snake phobias. Much of what he does is based on establishing the expectations that those with the phobias have.
Then, based on those conversations, he disproves the expectation. "No, that snake will not mutilate that person on the other end of the two way mirror. It's going to sit there like a rolled up towel." Then, before long, he uses what he refers to as "guided mastery" to pull down more and more unrealistic expectations.
So what does a Stanford professor, snakes, and your dancing have to do with each other?
Your gut says that your Most Important Audience is expecting nothing less than Dancing with the Stars. They want the acrobatics, the rhinestones, and the tight fitting clothes all coupled with great exhibition dancing.
Your gut says no to all of the above.
But let's take a question right out of Bandura's playbook. "Considering that your family has never seen you dancing before, and how excited they are by the idea, what level of dancing will it take for you to show them that you're learning something?"
Will it take doing the splits? Dancing at the Gold Level? Better lighting?
Probably not.
It will probably only take a few basic moves to have them cheering you on.
Safe Expectations: The Numbers Don't Lie
Thinking about that, it's only your over-involved gut that considers those unrealistic events as options. Know what else really helps to quell your overexcited emotions? Logic.
Your Most Important Audience has seen you as a dancing zero (we're talking mathematics here, not a personal attack)... let's call it a one. Currently, with the number of lessons you've taken, you're not a zero, or even a one.
Let's take the number of lessons you've taken so far: 20
Compare that to the skill level they saw you as early on: 1
That's a 1900% improvement, and if you were a publicly traded stock... you'd be legendary.
I'ts safe to say that more often than not, your Most Important Audience will be impressed to see your improvement.
Great Expectations: The Dance Edition
If you were watching someone you care about put themselves out there, make themselves vulnerable, and attempt something new - whether it was your son, daughter, friend, niece, nephew, or anyone else that you care about - you would applaud the attempt, and the person, probably more than the talent and effort.
Why?
Because you know the people you love better than anyone. It's why you may never cry in a movie, but you'll get choked up watching your kid open presents on their birthday, or why you'll jump up and down like you've won the Super Bowl when your spouse earns a promotion.
Your M.I.A. will see how happy you are much more than the technical skills you're using.
That's the great part about this - they don't really care about your technique, your topline, or your footwork as much as they care that you are doing something fun, exciting, and designed to add something interesting to your life.
You'll dance a Rumba, they'll think it's a Salsa, and that will be just fine because you've done the one thing they wanted you to do, that they never imagined you could do, and that will make everyone happy.
Final Thought
Validation is a quest we'll walk through a desert to secure. It's a chalice filled with approval, and a nod to the brave detours in our journey. Obtain it, and the thirst of every uncertain question of "should I be doing this?" is immediately quenched.
But only when you say yes.
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Image Credit: Dr. Albert Bandura
